Could It Be?
Tuesday, October 15 2019
That particular day many months ago now, I went because I wanted to be there.
But once I was actually there, I felt completely out of place.
It was a place that used to be a "home", a "refuge", a "family" for me. But that afternoon it felt like the saddest and emptiest place on earth.
I have always loved to worship. I have always loved to pray. I have always loved to sit and listen to God speak to me through His preached Word.
I have always loved going to and being at church.
But that day, in a new church in a new city, nothing spoke to me - nothing moved me - nothing reached the bleeding and hurting heart inside of me. In a place where I had always found peace and joy, that day I just sat in utter emptiness and sadness.
Nothing spoke to me that day in church, except one phrase from one song that was sung in worship at the very end of the service.
"My shame lost its meaning; the river of Your love washed my inner being…"
That phrase, in the midst of an hour and a half of receiving nothing, felt like a knife piercing my aching heart.
"My shame lost its meaning; the river of Your love washed my inner being..."
"My shame lost its meaning."
My shame lost its meaning??? Really?? Was that even possible?
Was it possible that, what that particular day still felt like it could literally and certainly emotionally kill me and be the end of me - that is, the mountain of shame and disgrace and dishonor that was unmercifully and unrightly heaped upon me - might one day not even matter anymore? That it might one day lose all its overwhelming significance in my life and hence, its power to destroy me?
Could it be that my disgrace, that day still such an open, raw, bleeding wound in my innermost soul, really could one day lose all its meaning and power to ravage and extinguish my life?
"The river of Your love washed my inner being."
Could it be that, if I stood in front of the Cross of Jesus Christ long enough, and if I could see the river of His love poured down and out upon me, that all my pain and all my shame actually could be washed right out of my inner being? That the flood of His eternal love for me - that surpassing-all-knowledge love, that infinitely wide and long and high and deep love, from which nothing and no one in heaven or on earth or under the earth can ever separate me - that that rushing river of Christ's love might and could wash and clean my inner being of all its anguish and dishonor? And I might one day once again be filled with peace and joy?
Could it be???
I would have to believe it by faith. Speak it out as if I were convinced that it was true.
And so, that day at church, at first very timidly and tremulously, but then with greater and evermore courage and strength, I sang the words to the song. And little by little, slowly and quietly, I began to know in my deepest heart that these words were indeed truth for my life.
“Today before the Cross
I see the colour of your love.
My shame lost its meaning,
The river of Your love washed my inner being.
At the Cross, my past was wiped clean;
At the Cross, my sin was forgiven.
You said: It is finished.
Your pardon sealed our union.”
(Veo al Hijo del Hombre -
Iglesia El Lugar de Su Presencia)
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